Spirals

I
Put
One foot
Forwards take
Five steps in reverse
Then lose myself in spirals
Wind up at the start
My journey
Begins
And
So

What is happening to me?

After waking up from one of my daytime two-hour naps which usually make me nocturnal, I was ANGRY. Extremely angry. Pounding-my-fists-into-pillows-and-kicking-all-the-shit-on-my-floor angry. My brain felt like a painful numb dead weight, and the most hopeless, loneliest feeling imaginable swept over me, either emptiness or hate for everyone and everything. My entire body ached, I wanted to hurt myself and everyone I know, and I felt extremely nauseated. The weird thing is, it felt like this is how I had always felt and would always feel, and nothing would ever get better. Pure unfiltered hopelessness. I still can't get over it. This is some weird Holden Caulfield shit. Bye bye sanity?

Day 24 - Something that makes you sad when you think about it.

The end of the Futurama episode Jurassic Bark


and my own half-baked plans...they're rather worrisome. I said something positively libertine last night, now I wonder if damage control is needed. No, I think I'll just stick by it. Defeat awkwardness with maximum ridiculosity? 

Day 23 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

There's usually no particular precedent or reason for times when I feel satisfied. Sometimes things just come into place and life feels right, cozy. Take earlier tonight - I randomly decided to go for a walk in the 25 degree weather, and everything just felt serene. I wrote random illegible messages in the snow, which shone from the distant lights, then wound up in Collegetown where a British-Jewish (complete with beard and Jew-hat) man gave me a free menorah and candles, and we discussed his beliefs and general religion/spirituality for about half an hour. This is always good for me, because I've caught myself becoming increasingly closed-minded when it comes to religious people, not necessarily dismissive, but I feel like I've been a victim of zealotry and bigotry a few times in my life and that has negatively reinforced my idea that being religious must mean being limited in thinking in some way. Really, though, an open-minded person is an open-minded person regardless of beliefs. It's just a different way of thinking. Spirituality is fascinating.
Anyway, back to the topic - I think the time I was most satisfied with my life was once at home when I had been reading, then slept for 12 hours, had fantastic magical dreams I didn't remember, and just loved being alive.

Edit: May it also be noted that immediately after the encounter with the Jewish man I ran into a random very drunk guy who unblinkingly creepily stared at me, so I smiled and said "hi" and he slurredly responded either with "good whore" or "great menorah" then ran off. I'm gonna assume the latter.

Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?

No notable internal changes, but it's impossible to determine if I am the same person at all. I don't even know if I'm the same person I was when I started writing this - one of my musings: souls or brainwaves or whatever just float from one person to another constantly, and reality, or the perception of it, changes accordingly brought about by the idea that the world around me seems much more dynamic than I am, and things can too easily be perceived in different ways (this might mean that I am actually a volatile person, and have developed a celestial sphere for the surrounding world wherein I'm not the one who's orbiting, everything else is). Anyway, changes I have noticed (but which might not have been there seconds ago):

I'm much more nonchalant about life

I've convinced myself to develop anti-relationship/attachment paradigms in order to deal with continuous feelings of rejection

I've discovered a bit about life on one's own and being independent/the joy of doing things for the hell of it

I've gone through a huge trip hop phase

Tunnels

My newest introspection: the amazing power of detachment. It surrounds me. I exude it. I have the power to be completely invisible, at the price of all the inconveniences which come with that power. Everyone deserves at least a little spotlight. Within me is a complex tunnel system through which very little can escape, coupled with a dampener which further conceals my identity, revealing only the slightest hint of what's on my mind. Assassin for hire, anyone? Yet the entire time, I feel like I'm yelling into a megaphone; I'm sloppy. I leave too much evidence behind. Nobody notices? Or nobody cares. It seems to be the less-desirable trait, but I feel normal as long as I'm not one of those people who OVEREMPHASIZE. EVERY. LITTLE. INSIGNIFICANT. THING.

imagine hurt, imagine tears, she opened up until she disappeared, vanished hand in hand with all the long-lost children locked in Neverland

Day 21 - Post a picture of yourself in your natural state.

I think I generally look a bit like this (at 3AM, when possibly hopped up on caffeine)

 and am prone to partaking in activities like this

...found these pictures on my phone and thought the Internet could use more juvenile door art.