Spirals

I
Put
One foot
Forwards take
Five steps in reverse
Then lose myself in spirals
Wind up at the start
My journey
Begins
And
So

What is happening to me?

After waking up from one of my daytime two-hour naps which usually make me nocturnal, I was ANGRY. Extremely angry. Pounding-my-fists-into-pillows-and-kicking-all-the-shit-on-my-floor angry. My brain felt like a painful numb dead weight, and the most hopeless, loneliest feeling imaginable swept over me, either emptiness or hate for everyone and everything. My entire body ached, I wanted to hurt myself and everyone I know, and I felt extremely nauseated. The weird thing is, it felt like this is how I had always felt and would always feel, and nothing would ever get better. Pure unfiltered hopelessness. I still can't get over it. This is some weird Holden Caulfield shit. Bye bye sanity?

Day 24 - Something that makes you sad when you think about it.

The end of the Futurama episode Jurassic Bark


and my own half-baked plans...they're rather worrisome. I said something positively libertine last night, now I wonder if damage control is needed. No, I think I'll just stick by it. Defeat awkwardness with maximum ridiculosity? 

Day 23 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

There's usually no particular precedent or reason for times when I feel satisfied. Sometimes things just come into place and life feels right, cozy. Take earlier tonight - I randomly decided to go for a walk in the 25 degree weather, and everything just felt serene. I wrote random illegible messages in the snow, which shone from the distant lights, then wound up in Collegetown where a British-Jewish (complete with beard and Jew-hat) man gave me a free menorah and candles, and we discussed his beliefs and general religion/spirituality for about half an hour. This is always good for me, because I've caught myself becoming increasingly closed-minded when it comes to religious people, not necessarily dismissive, but I feel like I've been a victim of zealotry and bigotry a few times in my life and that has negatively reinforced my idea that being religious must mean being limited in thinking in some way. Really, though, an open-minded person is an open-minded person regardless of beliefs. It's just a different way of thinking. Spirituality is fascinating.
Anyway, back to the topic - I think the time I was most satisfied with my life was once at home when I had been reading, then slept for 12 hours, had fantastic magical dreams I didn't remember, and just loved being alive.

Edit: May it also be noted that immediately after the encounter with the Jewish man I ran into a random very drunk guy who unblinkingly creepily stared at me, so I smiled and said "hi" and he slurredly responded either with "good whore" or "great menorah" then ran off. I'm gonna assume the latter.

Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?

No notable internal changes, but it's impossible to determine if I am the same person at all. I don't even know if I'm the same person I was when I started writing this - one of my musings: souls or brainwaves or whatever just float from one person to another constantly, and reality, or the perception of it, changes accordingly brought about by the idea that the world around me seems much more dynamic than I am, and things can too easily be perceived in different ways (this might mean that I am actually a volatile person, and have developed a celestial sphere for the surrounding world wherein I'm not the one who's orbiting, everything else is). Anyway, changes I have noticed (but which might not have been there seconds ago):

I'm much more nonchalant about life

I've convinced myself to develop anti-relationship/attachment paradigms in order to deal with continuous feelings of rejection

I've discovered a bit about life on one's own and being independent/the joy of doing things for the hell of it

I've gone through a huge trip hop phase

Tunnels

My newest introspection: the amazing power of detachment. It surrounds me. I exude it. I have the power to be completely invisible, at the price of all the inconveniences which come with that power. Everyone deserves at least a little spotlight. Within me is a complex tunnel system through which very little can escape, coupled with a dampener which further conceals my identity, revealing only the slightest hint of what's on my mind. Assassin for hire, anyone? Yet the entire time, I feel like I'm yelling into a megaphone; I'm sloppy. I leave too much evidence behind. Nobody notices? Or nobody cares. It seems to be the less-desirable trait, but I feel normal as long as I'm not one of those people who OVEREMPHASIZE. EVERY. LITTLE. INSIGNIFICANT. THING.

imagine hurt, imagine tears, she opened up until she disappeared, vanished hand in hand with all the long-lost children locked in Neverland

Day 21 - Post a picture of yourself in your natural state.

I think I generally look a bit like this (at 3AM, when possibly hopped up on caffeine)

 and am prone to partaking in activities like this

...found these pictures on my phone and thought the Internet could use more juvenile door art.

A Movie Review (Enter The Void)

I've already professed my love of Gaspar Noé's works on my blog, as he's an excellent writer/director/cinematographer. That being said, I watched his latest movie Enter the Void last night, and I didn't like it. It just didn't do anything for me, and I felt (and my friend agreed) it lacked several important aspects: editing, character development, storyline. It seemed like the perfect movie to begin watching at 1AM, dark and possibly edgy (Tibetan Book of the Dead ooooh). Instead, I was overloaded with two hours of first-person spirit floating over Tokyo, camera effects which were very interesting the first 100 times they were used, and an overabundance of Japanese hookers having sex with businessmen. The dialog lacked the depth and thought-provoking aspects I've come to expect of his films, and any new scene was preceded by endless flashbacks of things which had already happened (and, again, were interesting the first time they were seen, but had lost all their effect by the 50th). I suppose this may have been purposeful - to exemplify the release of one life so that a person may move on to the next, but it somehow cheapened the movie, which, at its core, became a repetitive emotionless drag.

Trailer

Plot summary {Warning: Spoilers}:


Drugs. Sister. Dead. Drugs. Floating over Tokyo. Bright lights and vagina-like tunnels. Body-less soul, must find body. Floating. Drugs. Sister. Floating. Drugs. Sister. Float. A tunnel. Is it a vagina? No, it's a light bulb. Float over Tokyo some more. Reminisce about parents and sister. Drugs. Ooh, another tunnel. Vagina? Nope, aborted fetus. More tunnels, more floating, Japanese hookers, tunnel! But it's just a stove. Drugs. Sister and druggie friend who she dislikes are having sex. Tunnel! Inside of sister's vagina! Rebirth.


That's the basic premise, except there's a lot more floating over Tokyo. And more Japanese hookers. It didn't really do anything for me.

Day 20 - A drunken story.

One of the things I love most about college is how people take care of each other, lest someone gets a little carried away at a party. On one such occurrence, boxed Franzia took my fancy a bit too much after an eternity of nothing but Keystone, and I wound up throwing up in the bushes outside a frat, not really knowing what was going on, right beside the security guards, where I kept accidentally deleting my friends' phone numbers instead of calling them. Two girls who lived in my hall who, at the time, I barely knew luckily happened to pass by and drove me back to the dorm, escorted me to my room, and made sure I was safely in bed, all while graciously accepting my slurred apologies. One of them was later fittingly dubbed "mom" for her amazing maternal instincts and care for the rest of the hall. This isn't really the story I wanted to tell..nothing very interesting happened. It was just the drunkest I'd ever been (and will ever be). This one's better:

We were at a frat party (where else?), and one of our friends (let's call him Lyle) was invited into the great beyond, that is, upstairs, where only brothers and those special individuals approved by brothers could go. After some time, most people had left, so my other friend (let's call him Johnny) and I tracked him down to go back home. We found him in a strange state, which resulted in the longest (and the best!) walk home ever. Here's a recount of the events as I remember them:

As we exited the frat house, Lyle started frantically running away from us and we gave chase, but he was surprisingly fast and nimble.
As suddenly as he'd sped off, he halted and sat on the ground, playfully rolling around in the cool wet grass in front of the frat house.
Johnny's phone rang, and he left Lyle in his blissful delirium as he took a call from a friend back home. For the duration of the call, Lyle was gently humping Johnny's leg and laughing like a giddy goat might if goats laughed.
Eventually, it was time to go home, "Let's go home, Lyle!" we exclaimed! But Lyle screamed "Nooooooo!" and rocketed off again. Like the good shepherds we are, we managed to lure him partway up the slope until he became cognizant of our evil plan and quickly changed direction. I gave chase and, being desperate and quite drunk myself, tackled him. We toppled to the ground and started giggling.
At the rate we were going (we'd probably made 100 feet of headway in 30 minutes), we weren't going to get home anytime soon, so Johnny came up with an ingenious idea. "Hey, Lyle!" he said, "Let's go to that truck that sells delicious greasy food which always tastes 1000 times better when you're drunk! My treat!" This truck happens to be right outside our dorm, and Lyle once again changed course, finally in the right direction.
We got to the truck, as promised, and he ordered three burgers, fries, etc, etc (for himself).
Finally, with food, we were back at the dorm. Lyle took one bite of his burger and disappeared into the male bathroom. After he had been gone for 15 minutes, Johnny went to check up on him, and informed me that he had fallen asleep with his head on the toilet bowl.
I think we left him there. Close enough.

Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.

I don't like to disrespect my parents since they're genuinely decent people for the most part, but sometimes it's unavoidable. I remember when my parents seemed like perfect infallible sagacious sources of authority. I'm glad that illusion is over, but I sometimes miss the security of having it. But I am extremely grateful to finally have the age-given freedom to make my own decisions in life, and once I make up my mind about something, I do not appreciate it when someone messes with my plans (but what else are parents to do), and on such occasions I can become fairly...disrespectful. Several such disagreements: 1) The first one I remember: I had been playing Final Fantasy VIII for several hours, and my dad had been pestering me to stop. I kept telling him I just needed to get to a save point. I was on the second disk, right before the big fight with Edea on Galbadia Garden...Finally, there it was. I was seconds away when out of nowhere he completely unplugged my PlayStation and hid it in storage! Didn't even bother to turn it off! That can cause serious damage, dammit! Fuming rage and tears ensued. I remember my mom asked me if I was crying because I made my dad angry or because of my PlayStation. "PlayStation!", I replied honestly. I waited until he went to work, took back my console, plugged it in and kept playing in a daring act of disobedience, but I couldn't even enjoy the game because I was still mad. A similar tantrum occurred when they made me miss the beginning of an 8-hour long Star Trek TNG marathon. 2) My mom is not always the tactful type, and doesn't seem to understand my disdain for comments like "Oh, you're going to go out in public looking like that?" on any occasion I don't happen to be wearing makeup, or how she never misses an opportunity to point out a pimple, or the size of my ass (luckily no pimples the size of my ass have been spotted. Double threat avoided!). Anyway, I have imperfections, so does everyone else. I know they're there! I've seen them! Why does it matter so much? That's the basic extent of our arguments (although there do seem to be a lot). So, basically, I respect my parents to the extent that their actions do not interfere with what I want for myself, and I think that's fair, because otherwise parents will always try to overextend their grasp on a child's life, and that can be very stifling.

Day 18 - Your beliefs.

This is too easy...'classic': gives a positive spin on 'old'
My personal beliefs:-Everything must be Googled-Sleep is important (and I should be doing it right now)-Loyalty, oblivion, ennui, and other cool-sounding words

Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.

Highs:
College!
My cat
Seeing one of my oldest friends (and her new puppy!)
Snow
Good movies/TV shows/books
Some people

Lows:
The void
The crunch (or lack thereof)
Not going anywhere all summer for the 6th(?) year in a row
Heat, and the day-long flight delay which prevented me from getting out of Texas on what was a record-setting day.
Other people

Look! He's got people legs.

Day 16 - Something on someone's facebook that makes you cringe.

This is dumb. And it happens to be on the one day when I haven't encountered anything particularly cringe-worthy on Facebook - that's not to say there's nothing worthy of a good cringe - but I've developed partial immunity against most things - Farmville, "I love you so much, I love you more" back and forth conversations that invade my news feed, "God is great, God is good, we all love God, and if you don't you should!" type statuses, TiNGz sPeLleD LyK DiS, "I am shopping. I am driving. I am taking a shit." (ie every detail of one's life statuses), etc etc.

This made me cringe in a good way:

Day 15 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.

I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what to write about. I love a lot of movies! I could go with something from my childhood, like Indiana Jones or Shrek, The Lion King, Artificial Intelligence, Kill Bill...or something I've gotten into more recently. A friend of mine introduced me to David Lynch (Blue Velvet, Mulholland Dr.) and Stanley Kubrick (although I'd seen the Shining before, since I really like Stephen King) and Akira Kurosawa (I recently saw Ran), all of which were fantastic! But I think I want to talk about Gaspar Noé, who I discovered while surfing the Internet over the summer, and is not necessarily my favorite, but has some really poignant, highly disturbing films. Irreversible is his most famous, but the one which really made an impact on me (read: depressed the shit out of me) was Seul Contre Tous (in English: I Stand Alone). 

It's the type of movie that immediately grabs you by the throat and doesn't let you breathe until it's over.

This is a sequel to a short film Noé previously made called Carne, but you don't have to have seen it because its plot is summarized in the first few minutes of the movie. Anyway, the whole thing is about a butcher - a horse butcher - who's had a really difficult life - he was an orphan, had to start making a living at a very young age, wasn't very educated, so he became a butcher's apprentice, slowly working his way up until he finally got his own shop. A one-night-stand led to the birth of his daughter, who was mute, and her mother left shortly after she was born. He took care of her to the best of his abilities, but got arrested for stabbing a worker who he thought had raped her. So the movie begins; he's just gotten out of prison, lost his shop, has no money, nowhere to go, so he decides to begin life anew. He leaves his daughter and marries an annoying fat cow he detests because she promises to buy him a new store, and impregnates her. Throughout the entire movie, there is a voiceover of his thoughts, which is the main reason I like it so much; in truth, he does and thinks some terrible things (I don't want to give away too much), but at the same time, the audience is forced to empathize with him, because at the root of all the monstrous things he does, there is something very human - a fundamental pain brought about by his unfortunate life, the cruelty of society, which in the end for me makes him less detestable. Pitied, even. It's very strange, having empathy for a murderer, a rapist. Clearly, it's a very heavy movie, but the fact it's so engrossing is part of what makes it brilliant.


Here's a little textual preview (taken from the subtitles, mostly the butcher's thoughts):


"Death opens no doors.
In the end death is nothing special.
Everyone makes a big deal out of it.
But from a close view
It's nothing serious.


A lifeless body, that's all.
People are just like animals.
You love them,
you bury them, that's it.


Even though this is the
first time I see it.
Evidently it's her first time too.
She sure looks devastated.


While it's so damn boring.
Ok, I'll take her home.
She sure looks fragile.
And pretty cute, too.


Let me walk you home.
She reminds me of my daughter.
My Cynthia.
She must be very lonely
wherever she is now.
Come.


But loneliness means nothing.
Living with a guy or a girl
or even with kids...
...but you're still alone.
I'm alone.
And so is she.
We are born alone,
live our lives alone and die alone.


Alone, forever alone.
Even when fucking we're alone.
Alone with our body
Alone with our life...


...which is like a tunnel,
impossible to share.
Over the years it only gets worse...
...only leaving memories of a life
that's slowly deteriorating.


Look, Mrs Fabienne.
What is she doing here?
Damn, we're there already.


Strange... whenever I like a girl,
I mess it up.
Even when they want me.
She definitely does.


But I bet she has a boyfriend.
All girls have boyfriends somewhere.
Life is a tunnel. Everyone has his
own little tunnel.
Only there is no light at the end.
It is a void.
Even memories will be gone.


The old people do know this.
They live a simple life...
...they have small pensions
and a small grave.


And it's all completely useless.
Even having children.
When you're old and poor
they will put you in a home...
...to let you suffer in silence.


They don't care.
They don't love their parents.
It's a myth. You only love your
mother when she feeds you.


And your father when he gives you money.
Once her breasts are all
dried out...
...or when your father's pockets
are empty, better put them away...
...and hope they'll die a
quick and cheap death.
It's the law of life.


Only when there's an inheritance
the children pretend to be nice.
But for a fridge or TV there is
no need to play nice guy.


Maybe just the bare minimum,
for ease of mind.
Call them every other month...
...a couple of tears at the funeral
and you've done your duty.


Love and friendship. It's all
full of shit
Illusions from your youth...
to cover up the fact...
that all human relationships
are redundant.


Sure friendship and love are useful,
only when they're beneficiary .
Reality is much more corrupted.


You love your mother because she
feeds you so you stay alive.
Your friend because he helps you get
a job so you stay alive.


Your wife because she cooks for you
and relieves you of your sperm...
...and gives you children
to look after you when you're old...
...and afraid to die.


But punish your child once
and it'll retaliate when you're old.
The punishment...
...will be their tool.
When they put you in a home...
...that will be their excuse to
hide their disinterest...
...that we all have
towards our up bringers.


No, I don't like the baby they're
trying to let me have.
And I'm sure the baby
will think the same.


No, fucking is definitely
misunderstood.
It's even damn expensive.
But well, it's a pastime.


When you don't want to fuck no more
that's when you know your time is up.
And that it's all been the
same in this life.


Merely a reproduction code
that's been imprinted on us...
...that we think we should obey.


Thanks.


Being born against your will. Eat.
Wave your dick around.
Make new life. Die.


Life is one big void. It's always been
and it'll always be.
A large void that can do
just fine without me.


I don't want to play that game
anymore. not in this life.
I want to experience something personal,
something intense.
I don't want to be the final replaceable
part of a giant machine.


The day I die I want to
have done more...
...than the shit millions of fuckers
have done together.
Look at it like this...
...every sucker's done the same things
that I did.


I don't know.
I must find a reason...
...an excuse or what ever
to find the motivation...
...to go on another 20 years.
Until I die.


Should I start my life all over
I'd want to make porn movies.
It's all clear.
The people who do that...
...understand the human race.


Either you're born with a cock
which has to be...
...a big hard dick
filling snatches.
Or you're born with a pussy
which has to be filled with cock.


In both scenarios you'll still be alone.
Yeah, I'm a dick.
That's it.


I'm a sad, sad dick...
...and to earn some respect
I must be hard all the time.
But with the fat cow
I can't do it anymore.


I'd rather take
the old tart.


Or a threesome.
Me, Mother, Daughter.
I bet they'd like it too,
those perverted sluts.


Both getting a good fucking
on daddy's bed.
Cow would freak out."
~Seul Contre Tous


Heavy shit. Deranged, even. But who wouldn't be with that kind of background? The scary part is, I'm afraid, that there is some truth in some of it.

As a little bonus (and to show that my interests range quite a bit beyond crazy butchers), here is a list of my favorite TV shows::
The Mighty Boosh
The IT Crowd
South Park
The Simpsons
Star Trek: The Next Generation

Yup.

Day 14 - Your earliest memory.

I believe I was three, and bored out of my mind, as is usually the case when my mom takes me shopping. I wanted to go to the park, and climb "the drums" as I called it, which was basically a steel rod with flat round steps protruding from it. Very drumlike in appearance to my three-year-old self. Meanwhile, my mom and I were waiting in line to pay for our purchases, after which to the park we would go! But I couldn't wait any longer. Every second I wasn't at the top of those drums felt like an eternity of wasted opportunities. The minute she let go of my hand to get her wallet from her purse, I quietly bolted out of the store and headed to my destination (a few blocks away), until I got to the top of those drums, on top of the world! The park was completely empty except for some random old gypsy man raking hay into a wagon the distance, and maybe half an hour had passed when I started to get bored, worried, and I wanted my mommy (why hadn't she come to the park like she'd promised? What if she'd gotten abducted?). Next thing I know, an acquaintance of my mom's was pulling me hard by the ear and yelling at me about how I'd completely scared the shit out of my mom, she'd started running around the entire city looking for me, and apparently in the process had gathered a sizable search party of friends and acquaintances. I don't really remember the tearful reunion (I assume it was tearful because my ear really hurt) but I do remember it had been a nice day, a perfect day at the park.

Day 13 - 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex.

It's rather difficult to attribute an entire host of character traits to a gender without being overly stereotypical, but here goes:
1. Machismo. I even hate the word.
2. The tendency to think with the wrong head.
3. Love games (Quoth a male acquaintance: "Girls like it when the guy they like flirts with other girls.")
4. Overaggressiveness
5. Refusal to acknowledge any emotional inconveniences, allowing them to fester until something minor becomes a huge deal (although this might be in order to avoid arguments)

And now for something positive(ly fangirl)

Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.

2:00 - I fall asleep listening to Loveline
9:00 - Phone alarm goes off; I set alarm for 9:05AM
9:10 - I get up, shower, brush teeth, get dressed, etc.
10:04 - I leave dorm for my 10:10 class
10:15 - I enter my 10:10 class, Psychology 1101, which usually has 1000 people to find about 30. The professor sits on a stool and regales us with stories about running into past students all over the world (he's had over 65,000) in strange places, such as while twirling lingerie in a store. I ask him how to fix my sleep schedule and he gives us tips about sleep and selling books, and talks about being on Oprah/Good Morning America. In the end he gives each of us a Macintosh apple (no, not that kind) from the orchards as thanks for showing up.
11:07 - I enter my 11:15 class (Astronomy 1101) to find it even more devoid of people (there are about 5).
11:16 - Nobody else shows up so I figure class is canceled. I go back to dorm.
11:23 - I run into people and follow them to lunch. One of them is writing a 50,000 word story because apparently November is write a 50,000 word story month (I wish I'd known).
12:00 - I nonchalantly smuggle two cookies, an apple, and a banana from dining hall as Thanksgiving break rations. I take them to dorm room.
12:15 - I arrive for 12:20 class (E&M discussion); it's empty. Eventually two more people show up, then TA shows up and gives us the choice of a) playing physics games b) playing non-physics games c) explaining physics to us or d) leaving. I ask if we can get class participation points and leave. He gives us chocolate and class participation points and we leave.
12:20 - I announce my freedom to my parents (my parental call of the day)
12:35 - I wander around hallway making note of who has left (mostly everyone).
13:00 - I fall asleep while on the computer (just like every other day)
13:40 - Mom calls me. We talk about nothing in particular (second parental call of the day).
13:50 - I go to dining hall to smuggle more food for later. I take the last bagel, and eat an egg-salad sandwich.
14:20 - I surf the Internet, write a blog at some point, Facebook chat people, listen to music, watch Sailor Moon
16:50 - Dad calls me. We mostly talk about same nothings as with mom (third parental call of the day).
17:00 and onward: I watch Arrested Development.
18:30 - I eat entire Thanksgiving break rations, and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (or is it Coco Roos?).
23:00 - I blog about my day.

Riveting.

Reflection Rant

I like to consider myself a rational person, but no matter how hard I think about it, my mind comes to the same conclusion: this is impossible. As much as I keep trying, subjective matters cannot be molded into something more objective, and the objectivity of those things I believe to be objective is questionable. Theoretically, the best way to examine anything is from as many different points of view as possible. But in the end, I have a very limited supply. My rationale on things is derived foremostly from empiricism, which, in theory, should be a good thing (scientific method and all that) but therein lies a vicious cycle - my own bias. Everything I see, I see through a brain-lens. My 'empirical observations' are actually twisted by my own beliefs, and I find proof in what I already think I know in something which is not necessarily indicative of that thing.

Thus, because I am me and me alone, the more I think about things, the less I can know about them, as they are narrowed and shaped into puzzle pieces that fit my particular puzzle. This, in turn, also limits my emotional range, which one would think leads to greater rationality, but that might be completely wrong as well, since it was probably some emotion at the base of a rational idea. Emotions are unreliable, it's just a flip of a switch in the brain, the sending of a neuron from one synapse to another, the release of a hormone. Yet they are so powerful. It's pathetic to think that one's entire carefully constructed fortress of beliefs, their entire personality, can be so easily swayed, how one person completely transforms into another, but poor Phineas Gage with the tube through his brain, or Homer Simpson with the crayon which went too far up his nose, have shown us that this is exactly the case.

 

          Phineas                                          Homer

So, if it is impossible to be rational, and it's necessary to undermine emotions in order to retain control of one's own mind (ie believing that, as emotions are irrelevant, the pursuit of happiness is irrelevant, and life is negligible), then it becomes necessary to accept things as they appear to be (empirically, emotionally, rationally, in the middle ground where the three become one and the same). Therefore, I cannot be blamed or asked to change, if, for example, I believe that people were born to be polygamous based on my observations of most long-term relationships (with some exceptions), or if I perceive depth of thought in sadness and the darker emotions, or if I feel that loneliness, for me, must be a way of life, because I'm used to it, regardless of whether I am alone or surrounded by other people.

Yet psychologists are always going on about minimizing negativity, being happy, as the most important facet of a person's life. The pursuit of happiness is our supposed goal, from the time we're thrown into grade school, through finding a job, making sure we get enough sleep, staying healthy, saving money, having a family, house, retirement. Well, I don't want to be told what the best way to feel is. I much prefer the delusion of rationality, having a stable mind, a stable belief system, to that of being happy, feeling good. Because, even though my rationality is unreliable, imperfect, maybe downright wrong, it is far more static; In a single day, a person can experience an entire synesthetic rainbow of emotional ups and downs, but having the foundation of thought underneath means there is always a secure place to return to.

I often wonder, but I can't figure it out... if there is some sort of wisdom in trying to equally explore and appreciate the gamut of human emotion and experience (both negative and positive), then might it not be even more wise, assuming life is negligible, to just seek out what feels good? Perhaps the wisest philosophy would be to bypass all thought altogether and rely on instinct, happiness provided when base needs are met (it seems to work well for my cat) and, in this way, instead of the rationality delusion, follow the pursuit of happiness delusion, which, I think, is best achieved with simplicity. They, whoever they might be, say how a person views the world comes from within, and maybe trying to find a rational perspective, because it's impossible for a human, is the wrong way to go; it doesn't lead to happiness, not by my rationale, anyway, but rather to an acceptance of the bad as well as the good, which I also appreciate.

I forgot what point I was trying to make, if any, so I'll just leave it at that.

How Lady Gaga Ripped Off The Mighty Boosh

Exhibit A:

Black Frost

Red Frost VMA Gaga

Exhibit B:

"Love games?
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now" - Love Games - Old Gregg

"Let's play a love game,
Play a love game
Do you want love or you want fame?
Are you in the game?
Dans le love game?" - Love Game - Lady Gaga

And...that's all I got.

Compelling, isn't it? :)

Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

I don't own an ipod. Back in the day, I opted for one of these instead:

Dell Axim x51v- if used to its full potential (624MHz CPU/64MB RAM) plays almost any music/video format, SNES/GBA/PlayStation emulator, Internet browser with Flash support, unlimited storage space (in the form of SD/CF cards), Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Skype, and an array of many other games/apps. Now dated by the standards of the latest smartphones (Snapdragon's a beast), but still much better than an ipod/iphone, in my 'umble opinion. P.S. I am NOT a hipster (at least I don't think I am).

However, since I'm currently on the computer and the majority of my music is on my external hard drive, and good ol' Gizmo is sitting an entire 5 feet away from me, I will put what I have of my music library on shuffle instead.

1. A New Machine (Part 1) - Pink Floyd

2. Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys 

3. Animal - R.E.M

4. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover - Simon and Garfunkel

5. Comfort Eagle - Cake

6. Save Me - Queen

7. Spiders - System of a Down

8. Fuel - Metallica

9. Friday Night - Girl Talk

10. Pump It Up - Girl Talk 

WTF, 2 in a row? I barely even listen to Girl Talk...This calls for more musics!!!! (yeah, that's right...I'm rebelling against my blog post topic...I'm out of controoool)!!!

11. Imate Li Vino? - ? Bulgarian Folk song (tr. Do You Have Wine?)

12. Julia Dream - Pink Floyd

13. Feels Like The First Time - Foreigner

14. Pipni Me Tuk - Rumaneca & Enchev (tr. Touch Me Here)

15. Alpha Beta Gaga - Air

16. Holier Than Thou - Metallica

17. I'm a Boy - The Who

18. Come Alive - Foo Fighters

19. Are You a Hypnotist? - Flaming Lips

20. We Will Rock You - Queen

21. Whole Lotta Rosie - ACDC

22. With Goth On Our Side - Half Man Half Biscuit

23. I Love You (Because You Look Like Jim Reeves) - Half Man Half Biscuit

24. Jack The Ripper - The White Stripes

25. Just Like A Woman - Bob Dylan

26. Stupid Car - Radiohead

27. Main Theme of Final Fantasy VII - Nobuo Uematsu

28. Neka Me Boli - Slavi Trifonov (tr. Let It Hurt Me)

29. Pinball Wizard - The Who

30. Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

31. Friends Will Be Friends - Queen

32. Haxan - Trentemøller

33. Pop Is Dead - Radiohead

34. You Better You Bet - The Who

35. Wearing The Inside Out - Pink Floyd

36. Doctor Robert - The Beatles

37. Quadrophenia - The Who

38. Magic's In The Makeup - No Doubt

39. Operator - The Grateful Dead

40. Careful With That Axe, Eugene - Pink Floyd

41. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

42. Black Dog - Led Zeppelin

43. Wasting My Time - The White Stripes

44. Cry Baby - Janis Joplin

45. Eat Him By His Own Light - Jonny Greenwood

46. Rain Day Women #12 & 35 - Bob Dylan

47. End It On This - No Doubt

48. Well It's True That We Love One Another  - The White Stripes

49. Thank You - Led Zeppelin

50. Cajesukarije Cocek - Goran Bregovic

51. Oppressed People - Nobuo Uematsu

52. Grace Is Gone - Dave Matthews Band

53. Love Reign O'er Me - The Who

54. Jacqueline - Franz Ferdinand

55. Dyulmano, Dyulbero - Le Mystère Des Voix Bulgares

56. The Show Must Go On - Pink Floyd

57. The Fairy Feller's Master-Stroke - Queen

58. Cirrus Minor - Pink Floyd

59. Take a Bow - Muse

60. Business Time - Flight of the Conchords

61. Electricityscape - The Strokes

62. Now I'm Here - Queen

63. Bat Man - The Who

64. Kill Rock 'n Roll - System of a Down

65. Revolution Rock - The Clash

66. Welcome - The Who

67. Behind Blue Eyes - The Who

68. Bike - Pink Floyd

69. Devojko Mari Hubava - The Rhodopi Ensemble

70. Under Pressure - Queen & David Bowie

71. Dimitar, My Son, Dimitar - ?

72. Snowblind - System of a Down

73. All The Way to Reno - R.E.M

74. Loretta Young Silks - Sneaker Pimps

75.  The Bewlay Brothers - David Bowie

76. The Winner - Nobuo Uematsu

77. Eddie - Rocky Horror Picture Show

78. Svatba - Le Mystere Des Voix Bulgares (tr. Wedding)

79. Dumb - Nirvana

80. Stranger Than Fishin - NOFX

81. Feelin' Satisfied - Boston

82. Climbing Up The Walls - Radiohead

83. Sailor - Sneaker Pimps

84. Could You Be Loved - Bob Marley

85. Spit It Out - IAMX

86. Raven - Dave Matthews Band

87. Free Me - Foo Fighters

88. Forever - Queen

89. Turn It Up - Robots In Disguise

90. No Phone - Cake

91. Vsiaka Pesen E Lubov - Diana Ekspres (tr. Every Song Is Love)

92. I Belong To You (Mon Coeur S'ouvre A Ta Voix) - Muse

93. Zemjo Makedonska - Makedonski Merak

94. Grace - Jeff Buckley

95. Fickle Cycle - Animal Collective

96. Punk - Gorillaz

97. Let It Be - The Beatles

98. Life Begins At The Hop - XTC

99. I Can Make You A Man - Rocky Horror Picture Show

100. Nitemare Hippy Girl - Beck

101. Ave Maria - Donnie Darko Soundtrack

102. Baba O'Reily - The Who

103. Cut - The Cure

104. Forest - System of a Down

105. Gnik Nus - The Beatles

106. Cid's Theme - Nobuo Uematsu

107. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor

108. Blandest - Nirvana

109. Epilogue - Patrick Wolf

110. Get Back - The Beatles

111. Violent Pornography - System of a Down

112. Running - IAMX

113. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones

114. The Stupid, The Proud - IAMX

115. A Spanish Piece - Pink Floyd

116. For Your Life - Led Zeppelin

117. High Hopes - Pink Floyd

118. This Will Make You Love Again - IAMX

119. Derek - Animal Collective

120. I'm Going Home - Rocky Horror Picture Show

121. The Arrival at Tatooine; The Flag Parade - John Williams

122. No Woman No Cry - Bob Marley

123. Carpe Diem Baby - Metallica

124. Arco Arena - Cake

125. Az Sam Gosho Hubaveca - ? (tr. I am Gosho the Handsome) (folk?)

126. No No No - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

127. Megalomania - Muse

128. Meadowlarks - Fleet Foxes

129. Evil - Interpol

130. Too Much Of Anything - The Who

131. Kolko Mi Lipsvash - Karizma (tr. How Much I Miss You)

132. Augie's Great Municipal Band; End Credits - John Williams

133. Duda E Bolna - Le Mystère Des Voix Bulgares (tr. Duda is sick)

134. Say Goodbye - dave Matthews Band

135. Dunavsko Horo

136. Leaf House - Animal Collective

137. Yesterdays - Guns 'N Roses

138. Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen

139. Tommy, Can You Hear Me? - The Who

140. Dokaji Che Mojej - Silvia Kacarova (tr. Prove That You Can)

141. Cluster One - Pink Floyd

142. Darlene - Led Zeppelin

143. Aramii - Orisia

144. Guitar and Pen - The Who

145. Pantala Naga Pampa - Dave Matthews Band

146. Opera Singer - Cake

147. Paranoid Android - Radiohead

148. Down Is The New Up - Radiohead

149. Money - Pink Floyd

150. Qu'est-ce Que Tu Veux - Kahimi Karie

151. Rental Car - Beck

152. Marble House - The Knife

153. Juan Loco - Rodrigo Y Gabriela

154. Another Tricky Day - The Who

155. Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen

156. Dying Degree - NOFX

157. Latino Fiesta - Vrabcheta

158. Moan (Vocal Version Featuring Ane Trolle) - Trentemøller

159.  Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

160. Rhyme and Reason - Dave Matthews Band

161. Only When I Lose Myself -Depeche Mode

162. Two Step (Live) - Dave Matthews Band

163. The National Anthem - Radiohead

164. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys

165. Diva Roza - Doni I Momchil

166. Walk On By - Cake

167. Hatredcopter - Dethklok

168. The Alternative - IAMX

169. Bodies Hit The Floor - Girl Talk

170. Hyper Music - Muse

171. One After 909 - The Beatles

172. Who's Cryin' Now - Journey

173. After Every Party I Die - Sneaker Pimps

174. Don't Copy Me - Robots In Disguise

175. Obscured By Clouds - Pink Floyd

176. Jailed - Nobuo Uematsu

177. Come Together - The Beatles

178. Come Away Melinda - Uriah Heep

179. Fiddle About - The Who

180. The Bends - Radiohead

181. Did You See The Words - Animal Collective

182. Killer Kat - Trentemøller

183. Back To The Island - Leon Russell

184. Temporary Like Achilles - Bob Dylan

185. Rock & Roll - Led Zeppelin

186. The Sex Has Made Me Stupid - Robots In Disguise

187. All Eyes On Me - Girl Talk

188. Speechless - Michael Jackson

189. Reckoner - Radiohead

190. Young Lust - Pink Floyd

191. Curl - Sneaker Pimps

192. Waiting - Cake

193. Sekoi Fali - The Thrace Ensemble

194. Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel

195. Soul Doubt - NOFX

196. Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra

197. Pow. R. Toc. H - Pink Floyd

198. Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

199. The Show Must Go On - Queen

200. On The Run - Pink Floyd

Much better! Quick explanation/nerd alert: I think I just proved that VLC media player song randomization is not quite "random", but rather it has its own music preferences; it's a big fan of The Who, Queen, Radiohead, and Pink Floyd (who are also my favorite, great taste VLC!). Basically, my media player has similar taste to me, hooray! My fingers are tired now.

Art

I could stare at this forever!

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.

I don't think I've ever been in love. Sometimes I'm scared by how much I might be able to love somebody. I don't want to lose myself. And yet I kind of do. I wish everybody could just be completely forthcoming. All these secrets and guesswork are confusing. Love is unexplored territory and must, therefore, be explored. But I'm not fit to make a rational decision regarding who I love. Anyone I think I love is given some sort of control over me. I don't want to be controlled. Love. Happiness? It's a fleeting idealization. Meaningless? Then what's meaningful? It might not last, but I'll get sucked into it, someday. Maybe I should begin the journey sooner, make a conscious effort, listen to my emotions instead of keeping them locked up inside my head. I must stop inventing obstacles. Obstacles can be overcome. Inaction can only lead to regret, but so can action, in its worst path, and that's maybe an even bigger regret. Leave me alone, world. I don't want to think about it anymore. I can handle life on my own...I think. My brain's circular reasoning never gets me anywhere, so I never do anything. But what would I do if I were to do something? I don't want to play games...

I have reason to believe that Lady Gaga has repeatedly ripped off the Mighty Boosh.
Maybe I'll blog about it someday. [update: now I have!]

Now I'm just getting video-post happy. Tee hee!



These videos were what I consider love songs.

Onto my first kiss. I was at a frat party. Great party too! It had a live band which played "Shout!" at one point. The floor was shaking. Very cute, possibly very drunk guy walked over to me. We danced, and kissed. Then he walked away. No big deal. I thought I would regret it later, but truth is, I didn't. It was fun, nothing special. Just fun. The first time I kissed someone I actually liked - it was kind of the same deal. It was all my idea, and I just played it off on being drunk later (which was actually true, except for I certainly wouldn't mind making out with him when sober either). And on that cheery note, I bid thee farewell.