A conversation/argument I recently had with my parents:
Me: Hey parents! What do you think of my panda hat? Isn't it cute?
Parents: What are you, 5?
Me: Tsk, if you weren't such close-minded adults, you'd be able to appreciate the finer things in life (like panda hats!) instead of fixating on the inherent social taboo they represent.
Parents: Look at our daughter! People her age try to make themselves look attractive and find boyfriends, and she just wants to be a little kindergartener with a panda hat!
[Note: I don't really care about the panda hat as much as might be perceived from all the times I've already mentioned it on this blog. But now it's a symbol. It's personal; a protective helmet in my rebellion against the world and all its pretenses...my armor is a cape, but that's another story that shall be told another time]
Anyway, yeah. I've never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. In fact, I haven't had any particular sexuality-revealing experience. Sure, I've had my share of party hookups with guys (nothing past second base, and I later regretted letting a random guy even get that far), but I've never been in love with anyone, yet can't imagine a scenario where I am absolutely unable to fall in love with someone based on gender alone, even if I'm generally more attracted to males. So I'll just scoot into my little corner in the Q part of the LGBTQ spectrum. Relationships, though. That's an issue. My paradigms generally lean towards "it's a bad idea". I want someone I can feel close to and trust and talk to about anything, and I also want to explore said person's body. This is, by definition, a relationship. Yet ask me if I want a relationship - no way! Codependency, not for me at the moment. I tried, last year, fittingly, freshman year of college, to become friends - just friends, even if I secretly wanted other "benefits" - with someone I found intriguing. But because I carried with me all the emotional baggage from my adolescence (see previous post), I felt like I stood to lose too much. So, unsurprisingly, I lost it. But at least I know I'd be a good hermit someday if my attitude never changes. It will though, undoubtedly, because lots of interesting people exist, and they're just too irresistible. In the words of the butcher is Gaspar Noe's Seul Contre Tous, it's "merely a reproduction code that's been imprinted on us that we think we should obey."
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