Ok, so my first attempt at blog writing was a bit all-over-the-place. It's hard to keep a stream of consciousness linear since it's usually actually really loopy (in my case anyway). Right now I am listening to Radiohead, surfing the Internet (my latest discovery is special fried rice...just...EW!), trying to convince myself to do work instead, and I started to wonder, exactly what is stopping me? The fact I developed an extreme habit of procrastination early in elementary school, but could always get by (until now), the adage that "old habits die hard"? Perhaps a complete lack of self-discipline. It probably is these things, but I want to say that maybe they're brought on by something deeper. In Psychology 101, the professor once mentioned that, according to Freud, the superego expends a certain amount of a person's energy in keeping the id at bay, and if the superego tries to be too overpowering, that person can become listless, loses the energy to be productive. Freud's methods sound largely vague, even metaphorical to me for the most part, but something about this statement stuck with me. After all, I've spent nearly the latter half of my life censoring myself, quietly yielding to people whose thoughts I secretly detest, until eventually I just pretty much stopped saying anything; who was I to argue when my English teacher would say how wonderful it is that there is a war, ultra-patriotic nonsense about protecting our country, or when my art teacher made me go get my books for the next class (two doors down) from my locker (across campus) since they "weren't allowed" in class, although everyone else could bring theirs, simply because I had protested that drawing Eric Cartman holding a nightstick (not a gun, as she presumed when she yelled at me) was not the act of a deranged maniac, but rather of a 15-year-old who likes South Park. Or the countless peers who insisted they are open-minded and accepting of everyone, but really, it's just a fact that anybody who doesn't agree with their Christian views is going to hell. Who is anybody to argue with any sort of authority? We can't all be Thoreau. So just shut up and take it. Things got better in high school. But I had changed. I haven't made a real friend since before seventh grade (before moving from California to Texas), and I don't believe that I will easily. However, I find a great amount of solace in the fact that I know how to pick them; the best friends I had in my childhood are still with me. Even when we haven't seen each other in years, we can talk about anything. That is completely refreshing compared to what I observe in groups of friends nowadays. Maybe it's an adult thing, but I hate it - get together and prattle about the latest inane gossip, constantly cement place in group through various groupthink methods (ridicule and make inside jokes about random people outside the group, have one collective perception of people - if one person dislikes a person, everybody must, constantly repeat the same tired old inside jokes and laugh as if hearing them for the first time). So annoying! Based on my observations of adults, I think they're at fault for this behavior; fitting the mold of society is foremost, because it's a concomitant of money, which is ideally responsible for some level of stability of happiness.
adulthood personified
But that's not me. Or maybe it is. Maybe I'm becoming as adult as they come. But I want to be a libertine. I don't want to censor myself anymore. I want to wear colorful socks with cats on them and panda hats and capes. I don't want to hear anybody else tell me I've taken something too far, because between two regular people, there should be no limits to a discussion. No topics left unturned, no missed experiences, MORE FUN. More id.
Otherwise, I might as well completely fade out, disappear into the void, another cog in the machine.
Angst out.
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